When you keep going back to the abuser

During my 7 year relationship with my ex husband there were many times that I left or said it was over only to go right back. He would always start crying, and begging me to stay, promising me that he would get help and things would change. I believed it every time too. Well I should say I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe that he could change because then my kids wouldn't have to grow up in a broken home. I honestly don't think abusers can change. My abuser did go to a psychiatrist once, was diagnosed as having depression and put on an antidepressant, but he took it for a month because he didn't like the way it made him feel. That 1 month was the only month he even tried.

I made up so many reasons to justify myself going back to him, and I think a big part of it was that the emotional abuse set me up for failure. My ex always told me how No one will want me, and that I can't do better then him. He use to tell me that my own family couldn't stand me, so that made me question the relationships I had with them. Abusers know what they are doing, and they know my beating us down emotionally that they are gaining control. Whats the most frustrating is when you confide in a friend about what is going on, and they think leaving is so easy, but unless you have been there you do not have any clue just how hard it is to leave. When I finally left I was at my lowest point. I thought about suicide often and at one point even held a knife to my wrist asking God "Why won't you make this stop!" All I wanted to know was why God would want me to go through these horrible things. Had God turned his back on me to?

I wanted to know that I gave my marriage my all before I ever considered leaving, and when I did finally leave I knew that I had. Maybe you can relate?