Depending on medication after Abuse

It has been 5 years since I left my abuser and it has been almost a year since I remarried. My husband is such a wonderful man. I daydreamed frequently of being with an amazing man during my abused years, but I actually ended with someone even better then who was in my dreams. I thought all I needed was a wonderful man for my life to be perfect, and then I could forget about all the years of abuse. The thing about abuse though is that it permanently scars its victims. I didn't think I needed counseling or support groups after I left. I thought I just needed time.

I was recently diagnosed as having Post traumatic stress syndrome, from all of the years of abuse. Even though I am happier then I have ever been I suffer from GAD(General Anxiety Disorder), and anger outbursts at times. I am emotionally numb, and have been told that I am a very cold person. I wanted to believe that I was fine, but when my husband asked me to get help I knew I had to. I was put on zoloft at first for my anxiety but it made my libido non-existent. Then I tried lexapro.

Lexapro really helped my anxiety and gave me the opportunity to really enjoy life. My family was happier when they were around me. The problem with lexapro is that it caused me to have no motivation. I was tired all the time and stopped going to the gym, which is something I always did daily. So after a few months I decided I would ween myself off and just exercise bc I honestly didn't want to depend on drugs for happiness, and I sometimes just didn't feel like myself on them. After a few weeks I had energy again, but for the first time in my life I realized how much I needed medication for my anxiety.

I was snapping at my kids all the time, then I literally had a meltdown over something the dog did in front of the kids and my husband. At that point it hit me, and I literally just walked out of the room and started crying. Not having that feeling of irritability or being anxious for a few months gave me the opportunity to really see just how difficult it was to live with me when I stopped the medication. I cried and excepted that I really did need help. That same night I started taking my lexapro again, and made an appointment with my doctor about other options out there. I just started taking wellbutrin with lexapro to hopefully counteract the zombie like feeling I was having. I feel upbeat today, but if there was one thing I could change I would have seeked help as soon I left my abusive situation. I was lucky that I found a wonderfully supportive man who loves me and my kids dearly but I think I just got lucky. Survivors and victims need supporters, and I encourage you to seek out a support group. Hopefully you will not require medication, but time doesn't heal the internal scars, time just builds walls.