Friday, July 22, 2011

Victims of Domestic Violence Group meeting

I meant to post sooner but I have had a horrible sinus infection and am finally feeling better. Anyways last week I attended my first group meeting, and I have to say that being surrounded by so many victims just broke my heart. Most of these women have gone back to the abuser several times and are back living in the shelter because they have no money, and no family to support them. It was weird being in that meeting because I was the only one who could say that I am a "survivor." The counselor leading the meeting had me speak alot about what I had gone thru. The topic that week was grief and loss. She discussed all the phases victims go thru when finally making the decision to leave, and said most of the time women go back is during the lonely and depression stage. I had already gone thru all of the stages and I told the women that it is hard and it gets alot harder before it gets easier. I think it is good that these special women have someone that has been through what they have been through but did manage to find happiness. I wish I had that. I wish that I had attended group therapy when I was going through the abuse and the healing process after leaving. These ladies are a support system for one another, and having that is so important. I encourage anyone reading this that is a victim or knows a victim to find a support group. The meetings are normally free, and I believe can help victims so much.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

How a Fathers Day should be spent

My husband became a first time dad 8 months ago when we had our son so this has been the first Fathers Day that I have gotten to experience that was a truly happy day. My love doesn't make this day about him, but about him and his son who he loves more then he could ever of imagined before becoming a dad. No fighting, just smiles, No crying, just love. Normally my daughters are with my ex husband for fathers day since it is their summer break, but I wish they could have been here today. My life has done a complete 180 and I am so blessed. How did you spend your father's day?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Summer Break never gets any easier

My girls are gone until July 10 with their dad (my abuser) and even though it has been several years since the divorce I can honestly say them being with him for that long never gets any easier. I worry all the time, and just miss them so much. He has never laid a hand on our kids, but his negativity is awful to be around. Anyone else dealing with their kids gone for summer...I will be praying for you during this time to.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Depending on medication after Abuse

It has been 5 years since I left my abuser and it has been almost a year since I remarried. My husband is such a wonderful man. I daydreamed frequently of being with an amazing man during my abused years, but I actually ended with someone even better then who was in my dreams. I thought all I needed was a wonderful man for my life to be perfect, and then I could forget about all the years of abuse. The thing about abuse though is that it permanently scars its victims. I didn't think I needed counseling or support groups after I left. I thought I just needed time.

I was recently diagnosed as having Post traumatic stress syndrome, from all of the years of abuse. Even though I am happier then I have ever been I suffer from GAD(General Anxiety Disorder), and anger outbursts at times. I am emotionally numb, and have been told that I am a very cold person. I wanted to believe that I was fine, but when my husband asked me to get help I knew I had to. I was put on zoloft at first for my anxiety but it made my libido non-existent. Then I tried lexapro.

Lexapro really helped my anxiety and gave me the opportunity to really enjoy life. My family was happier when they were around me. The problem with lexapro is that it caused me to have no motivation. I was tired all the time and stopped going to the gym, which is something I always did daily. So after a few months I decided I would ween myself off and just exercise bc I honestly didn't want to depend on drugs for happiness, and I sometimes just didn't feel like myself on them. After a few weeks I had energy again, but for the first time in my life I realized how much I needed medication for my anxiety.

I was snapping at my kids all the time, then I literally had a meltdown over something the dog did in front of the kids and my husband. At that point it hit me, and I literally just walked out of the room and started crying. Not having that feeling of irritability or being anxious for a few months gave me the opportunity to really see just how difficult it was to live with me when I stopped the medication. I cried and excepted that I really did need help. That same night I started taking my lexapro again, and made an appointment with my doctor about other options out there. I just started taking wellbutrin with lexapro to hopefully counteract the zombie like feeling I was having. I feel upbeat today, but if there was one thing I could change I would have seeked help as soon I left my abusive situation. I was lucky that I found a wonderfully supportive man who loves me and my kids dearly but I think I just got lucky. Survivors and victims need supporters, and I encourage you to seek out a support group. Hopefully you will not require medication, but time doesn't heal the internal scars, time just builds walls.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

When you keep going back to the abuser

During my 7 year relationship with my ex husband there were many times that I left or said it was over only to go right back. He would always start crying, and begging me to stay, promising me that he would get help and things would change. I believed it every time too. Well I should say I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe that he could change because then my kids wouldn't have to grow up in a broken home. I honestly don't think abusers can change. My abuser did go to a psychiatrist once, was diagnosed as having depression and put on an antidepressant, but he took it for a month because he didn't like the way it made him feel. That 1 month was the only month he even tried.

I made up so many reasons to justify myself going back to him, and I think a big part of it was that the emotional abuse set me up for failure. My ex always told me how No one will want me, and that I can't do better then him. He use to tell me that my own family couldn't stand me, so that made me question the relationships I had with them. Abusers know what they are doing, and they know my beating us down emotionally that they are gaining control. Whats the most frustrating is when you confide in a friend about what is going on, and they think leaving is so easy, but unless you have been there you do not have any clue just how hard it is to leave. When I finally left I was at my lowest point. I thought about suicide often and at one point even held a knife to my wrist asking God "Why won't you make this stop!" All I wanted to know was why God would want me to go through these horrible things. Had God turned his back on me to?

I wanted to know that I gave my marriage my all before I ever considered leaving, and when I did finally leave I knew that I had. Maybe you can relate?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Giving back to women's shelter

I am looking to raise money to help the local womens shelter that not only provides shelter for domestic violence but also offers free counseling services. I wish that I had had this type of service where I lived when the abuse was going on in my life. It is so important that survivors of abuse and victims have a support system, and I am looking to give back.

On the right side of my page there is a donate now button. I am an avid couponer so I know how to stretch a dollar :) I plan on buying necessary items in bulk and deliver to the womens shelter. If you can donate $1,  that $1 can buy toothbrushes, or toothpaste! These are items the shelter needs. If you do not want to donate here, then I encourage you to seek out a local shelter in your area and find out how you can help. God Bless!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

A child who witnesses an abusive marriage

Anytime you have a child that witnesses abuse you hope that leaving the situation is going to heal them. For my 11 year old daughter she still has major emotional issues even though it has been 6 years since we left. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and just when your trying to heal yourself then your child starts having meltdowns. It is truly heartbreaking. My daughter is finally going to start counseling this month and even though I have tried to avoid ever putting her on medication, the doctor thinks it may be time. She is to young to diagnose as being bi-polar but I find myself wondering more and more if she is. I believe her father (my abuser) was bi-polar. I have tried to do everything for my children...loving them, supporting them, not forcing them to participate in activities that they have no interest in. My poor lil girl though is just a mess, and she cries to me all the time begging not to feel this way anymore. What is a mother to do? I naturally fear that if I do nothing and blame it on hormones and a phase that she may eventually harm herself or get in with the wrong crowd. Decisions can be so difficult sometimes. On a lighter note though my daughter did come to me and tell me she wants to do competitive cheerleading, and since that is the one thing that seems to bring her joy, I am going out of my way to make it happen even though $3100 isn't exactly laying around for it. I want to see the light in her that children should have, that my other daughter has. Please pray for my daughter and that she somehow finds her little piece of happiness.