When you keep going back to the abuser

During my 7 year relationship with my ex husband there were many times that I left or said it was over only to go right back. He would always start crying, and begging me to stay, promising me that he would get help and things would change. I believed it every time too. Well I should say I wanted to believe it, I wanted to believe that he could change because then my kids wouldn't have to grow up in a broken home. I honestly don't think abusers can change. My abuser did go to a psychiatrist once, was diagnosed as having depression and put on an antidepressant, but he took it for a month because he didn't like the way it made him feel. That 1 month was the only month he even tried.

I made up so many reasons to justify myself going back to him, and I think a big part of it was that the emotional abuse set me up for failure. My ex always told me how No one will want me, and that I can't do better then him. He use to tell me that my own family couldn't stand me, so that made me question the relationships I had with them. Abusers know what they are doing, and they know my beating us down emotionally that they are gaining control. Whats the most frustrating is when you confide in a friend about what is going on, and they think leaving is so easy, but unless you have been there you do not have any clue just how hard it is to leave. When I finally left I was at my lowest point. I thought about suicide often and at one point even held a knife to my wrist asking God "Why won't you make this stop!" All I wanted to know was why God would want me to go through these horrible things. Had God turned his back on me to?

I wanted to know that I gave my marriage my all before I ever considered leaving, and when I did finally leave I knew that I had. Maybe you can relate?

Giving back to women's shelter

I am looking to raise money to help the local womens shelter that not only provides shelter for domestic violence but also offers free counseling services. I wish that I had had this type of service where I lived when the abuse was going on in my life. It is so important that survivors of abuse and victims have a support system, and I am looking to give back.

On the right side of my page there is a donate now button. I am an avid couponer so I know how to stretch a dollar :) I plan on buying necessary items in bulk and deliver to the womens shelter. If you can donate $1,  that $1 can buy toothbrushes, or toothpaste! These are items the shelter needs. If you do not want to donate here, then I encourage you to seek out a local shelter in your area and find out how you can help. God Bless!

A child who witnesses an abusive marriage

Anytime you have a child that witnesses abuse you hope that leaving the situation is going to heal them. For my 11 year old daughter she still has major emotional issues even though it has been 6 years since we left. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and just when your trying to heal yourself then your child starts having meltdowns. It is truly heartbreaking. My daughter is finally going to start counseling this month and even though I have tried to avoid ever putting her on medication, the doctor thinks it may be time. She is to young to diagnose as being bi-polar but I find myself wondering more and more if she is. I believe her father (my abuser) was bi-polar. I have tried to do everything for my children...loving them, supporting them, not forcing them to participate in activities that they have no interest in. My poor lil girl though is just a mess, and she cries to me all the time begging not to feel this way anymore. What is a mother to do? I naturally fear that if I do nothing and blame it on hormones and a phase that she may eventually harm herself or get in with the wrong crowd. Decisions can be so difficult sometimes. On a lighter note though my daughter did come to me and tell me she wants to do competitive cheerleading, and since that is the one thing that seems to bring her joy, I am going out of my way to make it happen even though $3100 isn't exactly laying around for it. I want to see the light in her that children should have, that my other daughter has. Please pray for my daughter and that she somehow finds her little piece of happiness.

Emotional abuse vs physical abuse

Today was somewhat of a rainy day and it is days like today that tend to bring back memories I wish I could just block out. There were so many times that I was locked out of the house in my underwear in the rain. It makes me angry because growing up I always really enjoyed lazy rainy days, because it was such great sleeping weather, but my ex husband naturally had to ruin that for me.
So when I started thinking about that I wanted to find out what other victims thought about emotional abuse vs physical abuse. For me I would of rather takin a beating any day over the emotional abuse. I feel that the emotional abuse just sticks with you. Just when you are finally focused on a happy thought, a smell, tv show, or song triggers this memory of a horrible time in your relationship when you were being verbally bashed. I rarely think about the physical abuse. It was the walking on eggshells feeling that will sometimes just sneak up on me, and I suddenly become sick to my stomach. How about you? Physical or emotional abuse? Which do you think affected you more?