Ben and me have been getting along lately but he still scares me. He has such a bad temper, and loses it so easily. He takes care of me and Zoe and without him I could never go to school. I just want to be happy. Marriage is so important to me. I want to have a beautiful wedding, one every girl dreams of!
I know lately I have been pushing Ben into getting an engagement ring, but I do not want to marry him unless I know we will be together forever. He has such hate towards me, and I so wish he didn't. We have been having so many problems, and he is constantly calling me a slut and every other name in the book, which just breaks my heart. All I want is to be loved by him, be treated like a princess, someone special, but I am not. I AM NOTHING TO HIM. I wish that I was more attractive, but I know I will never be.
I feel bad about going back to school, especially since I just got yelled at about it. I think that me finishing school and making over $40k/year is a great thing for all 3 of us. I mean once I start working then he can go to school for plumbing or anything else he has an interest in. I WANT TO DO THIS FOR ALL OF US!!!! NOT JUST ME!!!! I DON'T SEE HOW I AM BEING SELFISH!!! How is bettering myself by making more money and being able to afford to pay for our children's college a bad thing? Plus it will alleviate some of the stress of being the only bread winner off of him.
December 19, 2001
It is sad that this morning I have already cried because of Ben. He has something wrong with him, because he is nuts! I mean at 6:30am he was freaking out about the tv remote, all because the channel wouldn't change. Figuring out how to work a tv remote is so easy yet so difficult for him! I just think that the drugs he use to do really screwed him up.
Then last night before bed he lost his temper again. He really scares me sometimes. I am just so scared that when Zoe is older he is going to react that way with her. I mean I am so stressed and just yelled at Zoe for no reason and it hurts me so much! He stresses me out so much! I hate what I have become while being with him. It is just sad that me and her would probably be better off without him.
He is just so violent sometimes, and I hate the fact that Zoe may have gotten his temper. She can be so mean just like him and she isn't even 2 years old yet.
I thought I was finished writing for the day but this evening me and Ben got into it again. He scares me so bad! I truely feel that someday he is going to snap and kill me! He hurts me so bad emotionally. I baked cookies all day just to have him throw them at me when he got home. He has broken so many of my things that I have collected since I was a little girl. I know I need to get out of this for me and Zoe's sake, but I am scared of him and scared that he would never leave. I just feel that we could both be better parents if weren't together. I just wish he wasn't so mean!!! I have never wanted to die so much in my life!!!!!
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