Monday, April 25, 2011

Learning to Forgive is never easy

Anytime someone uses your vulnerabilites to harm you over an over again it is something that stays with you. Over time you  become consumed with hate and a mere shell of the person you were before the abuse. I had started being short tempered with my family, critizing everyone, pushing more and more people away and hating myself more and more everyday. I was becoming just like my abuser.

Realizing what you are becoming doesn't happen right away. It actually took me a good year after I left my abuser to see it, and that was only because I continued to push my support system away and just be a mean, miserable bitch to everyone. I hated what I had become. Counseling is expensive, and being a single mom at the time made it impossible for me to do. I knew I needed something that I could do on my own time with little investment...I bought a few self help books.

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One was the first book I read. This book addresses the things a person needs to do in order to heal, otherwise you will bring your issues into your next relationship, or end up with another abuser. It was hard but I had to find a way to forgive my abuser. I knew hell would freeze over before I ever received an apology from him but being the bigger person and forgiving him for all of the horrible things he put me and our kids through gave me a since of peace. I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The tightness I always experienced in my chest was gone.

Learning to forgive is so important.  Once you do, then you can work on trying to love yourself again, because you have to learn to love yourself before you can ever expect someone else to love you and respect you.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Eliminate Domestic Violence? Really? Not going to happen!

I was reviewing The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence about us page and one of their highlighted topics stood out to me. This is quoted from the NCADV website :

"NCADV is devoted to the elimination of domestic violence in urban and rural areas, across all racial, religious and economic groups. NCADV identifies and works to eradicate the social conditions that perpetuate or condone domestic violence such as sexism, ageism, heterosexism, and able-bodyism and easy access to guns."

I feel as though this is an unrealistic goal. Now, laws could become stricter and abusers actually get punished for their actions rather than victims be continuously abused by the system over and over again. Eliminate domestic violence though!? Not possible! I mean I have a dream where children are not abused, murders don't exist and everyone lives in peace and harmony, but thats why it is a dream. Realistically, abusers are here to stay, just like murders and pedophiles but I hope that one of these days the justice system will change and really make these sick individuals suffer for the pain they cause, because it is something that will affect the victims for the rest of their lives.

I just wish a huge organization like the NCADV would stick to the more realistic goals rather than what they think victims want to hear.




Filing for divorce and leaving the state Part 1

Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows how difficult it is, now going through a divorce with an abuser is just pure hell! The legal system just doesn't take domestic abuse seriously and it disgust me!!!! There were times that I was treated as though I may have deserved it. I remember meeting with my first attorney and telling my story to him. He gave me some hope but that was just to get me to put my retainer down. Once he got his money it was like I was paying him to represent my husband.
When I filed for divorce I advised the attorney that I wanted to be the one to tell my husband I filed and have him served at home rather than at work, because I truly believe that if he had been embarrassed in anyway at his place of employment he may kill me or beat me really bad. I knew no matter what it would be ugly but I wanted to do it on my terms.

The Night I told my husband I filed for divorce was a horrible night. He screamed in my face, dragged me by my hair across the room, ripped my clothes off of me called me a whore, threw a table at me and hit me in the back of my head several times all while begging me to stay. The kids were in the other room sleeping. I was so use to this kind of behavior that all I could think about during those events was that I will never have to deal with this again. I was wrong.

Weeks went by where he would stay away from the house for a few days but would come home on the weekends to watch the kids while I worked nights at a hospital. When my final day of work would come and go he would refuse to leave and start the abuse all over again. Every evening that I would leave for work he would follow me out to my car spitting on me the whole way while accusing me of fucking all the doctors at the hospital. I was at a point that I couldn't even cry anymore. I felt like I was just a body walking around with no sign of a soul.

At this point I had already been failed by the legal system when it came to my order of protection (Which is in an earlier post if your interested). I would call my attorney, my mother (who I had finally confided in regarding the years of abuse) and she would call my attorney asking "What the hell is she suppose to do if the law cannot protect her or those kids!" I was told the same thing by my attorney everytime..."You can't leave the state because it is considered kidnapping, and you will end up losing your parental rights." I will risk losing my rights to my children all because I no longer want to be a victim???? How is that right!?! I was at a loss and all I wanted to do was die, because as long as I was alive these kids would suffer and my only support system was states away.

Well the breaking point for me was when I came home one morning after working a 12/hr shift and all because I didn't do the dishes the night before I left for work I was knocked to the floor and was kicked repeatedly in the stomach all while watching the most horrific site. I laid there and watched my little 10 month old baby crawling towards me crying as her dad was kicking me, and then I looked over and saw my 5 year old just sitting at the table coloring and showing no emotion whatsoever to what was happening. It didn't even phase her since she was so used to seeing him abuse me. That is an image I will never forget. That image was why I packed all the clothes, and toys I could the next day while he was at work and started heading back to my home state which was 9 hours away. I refused to answer his calls while I traveled but did leave him a note letting him know where I would be with our kids. I left on Jan 6, 2006, and I was never forced to return to TN with the kids.

I ended up firing my attorney and hiring a female attorney who really put up a fight for me. Was she the best attorney? No but she believed me, and believed everything he was doing was wrong. I remember when I had her by my side for our first mediation. We did mediation in seperate rooms, and the male mediator was taking my husband side so needless to say my attorney told the mediator that the meeting was over. I am sorry but I though mediators were suppose to be a neutral party????? We actually had our temporary custody hearing the same day also. What saved my butt through all of this was the fact that I had past bosses of my ex husband, and his aunt who witnessed the abuse show up to court as witnesses about his anger issues. The judge granted me temporary custody and allowed me to stay in Florida with the kids. That was the first big win for me, and gave me some hope that my years of hell would finally come to an end. Needless to say my exhusband decided to use the divorce proceedings as another way to abuse me.


Relationship Rescue Answers

I must say that going through a journal that I have not reviewed in years makes you look back at the abuse and think "Why was I so weak that I stayed in that environment!" I want to almost blame myself for it, but then I remember that abuse comes in cycles, and if you are not familiar with the cycles I encourage you to visit this link http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/ . It is so easy to get sucked back in, so please do not beat yourself up. It took me years to finally leave.

**Below are answers that I wrote in my journal while reading Dr. Phils 'Relationship Rescue.' These are things that I thought maybe reading a relationship book could teach me ways to make my abuser well...stop abusing me!

*I believe that if he can forgive me for not being a virgin then things will get better
*It doesn't pay to be honest because he just goes psycho
*It helps when we have time apart or money to spend
*If only he respected me
*We never seem to get along and be happy or help eachother

*I deny the truth with him because of his reactions, and I fear the abuse and people not thinking I am a strong person because of what I have endured with him and I fear if my family knew it would hurt them.

*I feel lonely but I do not want to be, I want companionship

*I blame him for all of the problems in the relationship and feel that everything he put me through caused me to cheat on him (paybacks) and that now I can forgive him because he hurt me to for so long.

*He doesn't listen to me, I feel picked on and put down by him. I feel rage at times. He is so harsh in his criticism. I imagine being divorced. I know I am right. I want to hurt him sometimes. I would rather lie to him then deal with the potential problem. He is ashamed of me.

*Our sex life- He will initiate it every time and I do not want to, so because of that I just lie there. I have to give in to his wants because if I do not then he goes psycho on me. He tries to please me but every time he touches me I feel so dirty and never want to kiss him.

His good qualities- hard worker, good father, honest, tells it like it is, and nice smile

Friday, April 22, 2011

When the legal system doesn't protect you

During my marriage we frequently moved because I wanted to believe that going somewhere new would make the abuse stop. I grew up in the South and so did my husband, and after discovering that he was miserable living in my home state I agreed to move states away to where he grew up just to see if things got better. Well naturally that didn't happen! He was just as miserable there being near his family, I was miserable being so far away from mine, so we up and moved again to a different state that was considered the halfway point for both of our families.

Though things always seemed better at first within a couple months he was right back to the abuse. After years of dealing with the abuse and living a couple states away from my only support system, I finally reached my breaking point and decided that I was going to get out of this situation one way or another. I dreamed of being able to flee with my children to my home state but discovered that it was not possible after speaking to an attorney because it would then be considered kidnapping. So since I knew I would never be able to move I had to take action and protect myself and my kids.

I first started filing police reports on nights before I went into work, so that I would have record of the abuse. It was then that the local sheriffs office referred me to Haven of Hope an organization that would help victims of abuse take appropriate action and have a support system. So I followed there steps and filed for an order of protection. This order would allow a judge to ban my husband from the home, and even calling me. If he as much as made a phone call to me, he could be arrested. I finally started to see a glimmer of hope. I was assigned a court date, and told the officers where they could find him to serve him. He was still living at home at the time, so I needed to have a plan of where me and the kids would stay once I knew he would be served, because I honestly felt like he would kill me or take off with my girls.

I stayed with an Aunt of his that I confided in about the abuse who happened to be the only relative in the state, and she agreed to let me and the girls stay there. Then the court date came! I was so nervous and scared but also a little excited, because I was finally going to get out of this miserable situation and feel protected by the law. Well needless to say my excitement turned into sheer terror. As I sat in the courtroom I looked around to see if he showed up, and noticed that he was not there. It was my turn to go up before the judge and get my order of protection granted, but the judge instead informed me that the officers dropped the ball and never served my husband so there was no way he could grant me the order of protection.

I left the courtroom bawling. I had to go home the next day, back into that environment and endure the daily abuse. He of course refused to leave and I had worn out my welcome at his aunts. I did everything right that my attorney advised me to do, that the Haven of Hope rep told me to do, yet the system failed me!!!! They failed my kids!!!!!!! I remember thinking that day that there is no hope for me. I will end up dead one way or another...by him, or by my own hands.

December diary entries from 2001 @ age 19

***Names and places have been changed***
Ben and me have been getting along lately but he still scares me. He has such a bad temper, and loses it so easily. He takes care of me and Zoe and without him I could never go to school. I just want to be happy. Marriage is so important to me. I want to have a beautiful wedding, one every girl dreams of!

I know lately I have been pushing Ben into getting an engagement ring, but I do not want to marry him unless I know we will be together forever. He has such hate towards me, and I so wish he didn't. We have been having so many problems, and he is constantly calling me a slut and every other name in the book, which just breaks my heart. All I want is to be loved by him, be treated like a princess, someone special, but I am not. I AM NOTHING TO HIM. I wish that I was more attractive, but I know I will never be.

I feel bad about going back to school, especially since I just got yelled at about it. I think that me finishing school and making over $40k/year is a great thing for all 3 of us. I mean once I start working then he can go to school for plumbing or anything else he has an interest in. I WANT TO DO THIS FOR ALL OF US!!!! NOT JUST ME!!!! I DON'T SEE HOW I AM BEING SELFISH!!! How is bettering myself by making more money and being able to afford to pay for our children's college a bad thing? Plus it will alleviate some of the stress of being the only bread winner off of him.

December 19, 2001

It is sad that this morning I have already cried because of Ben. He has something wrong with him, because he is nuts! I mean at 6:30am he was freaking out about the tv remote, all because the channel wouldn't change. Figuring out how to work a tv remote is so easy yet so difficult for him! I just think that the drugs he use to do really screwed him up.

Then last night before bed he lost his temper again. He really scares me sometimes. I am just so scared that when Zoe is older he is going to react that way with her. I mean I am so stressed and just yelled at Zoe for no reason and it hurts me so much! He stresses me out so much! I hate what I have become while being with him. It is just sad that me and her would probably be better off without him.

He is just so violent sometimes, and I hate the fact that Zoe may have gotten his temper. She can be so mean just like him and she isn't even 2 years old yet.

I thought I was finished writing for the day but this evening me and Ben got into it again. He scares me so bad! I truely feel that someday he is going to snap and kill me! He hurts me so bad emotionally. I baked cookies all day just to have him throw them at me when he got home. He has broken so many of my things that I have collected since I was a little girl. I know I need to get out of this for me and Zoe's sake, but I am scared of him and scared that he would never leave. I just feel that we could both be better parents if weren't together. I just wish he wasn't so mean!!! I have never wanted to die so much in my life!!!!!